It's midnight and I can say Ryan's gonna visit me tomorrow!!!

St. Michael's Catholic church Toronto, ON

I attended mass on sunday, and the sermon was about giving to charity as if you were giving to God...or something of the like. Bottom line: God is everyone and you should treat everyone with love. Boom.

Now I'm not sure if this was a sociology experiment or what, but before mass there was a homeless man collecting outside the church. I don't usually carry cash and I was running late for mass...Yes the thought to donate the change I had passed through my mind, and yes I felt guilty that I didn't. Of course I donated after mass (I'm pretty sure everyone did...) I still only had change (which I find to be insulting) but hey, the priest said that it isn't about the amount and what the priest says goes.

In keeping up with my newly found independence resolutions, and still listening to my favorite Canadian priest: I donated breakfast to a homeless man today. Please know I am not writing this to boast because then that would negate the purpose. It just made me think of Ryan. I never would have thought to do that, but it reminded me that sometimes Ryan will buy coffee or whatnot for someone down on their luck.

It just made me realize he is so far away yet he is with me all the time. Sorta like God...

And homeless people?

Home Is Where the Heart Is

So, I was on my way home from my "business" trip to Vegas and Oklahoma and for some reason I was feeling a great deal of anxiety. Why was I anxious? I was heading back to my own home literally going straight to my work and had events planned for the week ahead. Everything seemed fine and set up for a great coming home.

Then it hit me. I wasn't going home to Lauren and Lauren is synonymous with home.

So, Vegas was fantastic and Lauren and I are still coasting along just fine despite the technical Skype glitches that seem to be getting worse, but things are still hitting me at the end of this first month.

On Monday is was smacked in the face with a baseball bat emblazoned with one phrase...Home is where the heart is!

Alone Time

Today was one of those rare days where I was happy to have some time to myself. Actually, I think it was the first time in a long time where I could enjoy the solitude. I think it's just starting to hit me: I live alone.

I had my own room until my sophomore year of college. You would think that after having your own room for 19 years you'd grow accustomed to having your own space. Well not for me. I have always hated being alone. I don't sleep well when I'm by myself. It usually takes me a few weeks to get used to it, but I think it should get easier after today.

Today I took a little longer shower and had to rush to get ready. I left a mess in the bathroom and started to stress about the clutter. And then I took a breath and realized I can just pick it up later tonight...I wouldn't have a roommate to have to pick up for.

I think I've missed the freedom to be messy without the guilt. I'm not saying that I'm not messy at home, I shed hair like a snake sheds its skin, but I always feel guilty about it. But now, thanks to Ryan, I look forward to cleaning up after myself at the end of the day.

Ryan has helped me be a cleaner person and I'm happier for it, but every once and a while it's nice to live in one's own squalor.

Stuck in Phase One

While Ryan is starting to move into phase two, I am still stuck in phase one.  The days are fine when I take them one at a time, but when I read a blog from a certain someone that makes me realize I haven't been gone very long...It makes life a little harder. 

It's hard to be independent, or enjoy one's "freedom" when one has to still think about how his/her decisions will affect another person.  That's why long distance relationships are of the devil.  Seriously, the devil was bored one day and in his devil voice said to himself "Hmmm what is one more way I can torture mortals?  Ah!  Make them single in every way... except not.  That way they'll still have all the responsibilities of being in a relationship but still be alone! Mwahahaha-I'm so evil".  

Well I'm here to defeat this curse.  I am going to make the most of living on my own for the first time (and probably the last) in my life.  The plan is to regain the confident, independent, woman I was before I moved across the country and clung onto my boyfriend for dear life.  I think it's safe to say everyone is pretty confident and independent in and around college.  The world is your freaking oyster, and then you find out that you hate oysters...they're slimy.  

So here's some steps I'm going to take to regain that sense of self: 

1) Diet

Dukan Diet-If Kate Middleton can do it, so can I.  And she was made a DUCHESS by the end...so...

2) Exercise

3-5 maybe 6x a week-working out is a lot easier when you're fake-single

3) Journaling

Allow myself to fully digest my day.  

4) Keep an open & positive mind

Fewer judgements, more positive thoughts, good deeds...blah, blah, blah...

5) Try something new every week...

A new recipe, explore a different part of town, deface a national monument

No one should be responsible for someone else's happiness.   If I have learned anything from living with RJN, it's how to make the most out of any situation and stay positive.  Yeah having someone you can depend on can make you less independent and sad to be alone, but I think it's cool that I'm going to regain mine by using what I've learned from the person I've depended on.  

P.S. Take your stupid "what happens in Vegas..." line and shove it.  

Phase Two

Lauren has officially been gone now for twelve days. When I discovered it was a mere twelve days I was quite shocked. It seems like she's been gone over a month.

Nonetheless, Phase Two has begun. I've started to come to grips with the fact that not only is Lauren gone but she will not be home anytime soon. I will be seeing her Thanksgiving day In Toronto (just twenty some odd days away!), but as far as her living here with me goes, we are a long way off. We are seeing and speaking to each other less and less. Not because she is repulsed by my Skype double chin but because Lauren is making friends and busy with rehearsal and I am starting my own rehearsals, nannying and rehearsing with the band. It is just the way it is.

I think what was key was accepting that this will suck. And suck it has! However, Lauren and I are in a great place considering our circumstances and as I said before I don't fear that things will get worse.

Although, maybe this blog needs a little drama. I am going to Vegas next week but you know what they say about Vegas... "What happens in Vegas stays between me, Barry Manilow, and those man-eating white tigers". At least, that's what I say about Vegas.

Thanks,
Ryan

Not in Canada

Well here I am in same ole New York. Apart from my Beeb, and missing her ever so much. But as the old saying goes, "Absence makes the blahblahblah..."

Yes, while Lauren is off having Canadian adventures singing Disney tunes everyday, here I stay in New York with the usual adventures. Problem is, most of my usual adventures are with my co-captain and doing them without her is tough. One amazing thing about Lauren and I being apart is that we have both been in each others shoes at some point in our relationship. Being that we are both performers we have quite a bit of experience going out of town while the other is at home. We both know that the one touring/doing a show has it a bit easier than the one continuing their nine to fives (or in my case three to eights three days a week), but knowing exactly how Lauren feels and Lauren knowing exactly how I feel helps a lot.

I stay busy with my nannying and will be out performing with The Water Coolers again next week but when you have been living with your best friend for four years the change is instantly apparent. When I left the airport after saying goodbye I went home and an hour later said out loud (to myself), "I'm bored". The lack of phone calls is tough. In fact, I constantly leave work or social events and reach for my phone thinking I have to make a call only to realize
that it's to the one person I can't call...YET!!!

Around sixty percent of the people we told about Lauren leaving for eleven months raised their eyebrows and said, "That's a long time. How are you guys gonna handle that?", and I gotta say that I am proud of the fact that Lauren and I were always shocked by that response. Truth is, from the moment she decided to go on that cruise I have not once had a doubt that we will be just fine. Could be the Glendorian optimist in me, but I am damn proud of my co-captain and see a wonderful future for us at the end of this cruise distance and all!

Thanks for reading. More from New York and Canada soon!

-Ryan

Canadian Adventure

Well here I am in good ol' Canada.  Apart from my Beeb, and missing him ever so much.  But as the old saying goes "absence makes the  blahblahblah..."

I would love to say that within the one week I've been here I've experienced a lot that Toronto has to offer but alas, I have not.  The main reason being that I cannot use my phone.  It is the biggest challenge I have been faced with (other than missing Ryan terribly).  I am able to use it whenever there is wifi, however, for someone who relied on her gps to get her everywhere...it's a bit of a disaster.  Luckily it is almost impossible to get lost here.  But I assure you I will find a way.

I will say this for Toronto: the city is beautiful.  I am staying at an amazing fully furnished suite complete with washer/dryer, dishwasher, and patio!  I have a cleaning lady (God bless her) and only have to walk across the street to get to work!  The building has a rooftop penthouse (where we spent Halloween), a movie theater, billiards room, gym AND (my favorite part) a virtual golf simulator room...you can imagine how often I use that space.  I am able to check out bikes and everything is just a few blocks away!

But with all these wonderful amenities, I still can't help but wish Ryan was here with me.  It's wonderful to be able to experience such wonderful things, and don't get me wrong I am soooo grateful, but it just ain't the same without my Hunky-Dorey Hoodrat (that would be Ryan).

Well that's all for my Canadian adventure.  I promise to take more pictures and have better adventures...probably consisting of me getting lost, losing my temper, or buying the
wrong soap again.

-Lauren