It Hits Me - Cancun to Bremerhaven

"The eyes through which I look today
Banish shades of blue and shades of grey,
And it's only just begun.
It's only just begun.

The pavement that I walk upon
Clears away and it's clouds I'm on,
What could go wrong?
What could go wrong?

The world is at my fingertips and I'm finally reaching out.
I'm content in my decisions as I decide what life's about.

But then...it hits me,
That I don't have you here.
Yes, it hits me,
And then those grey shades reappear.
I step in the ring with my head held high
For each and every round,
But every time the gloves go down
It hits me.


I start this blog today with lyrics I recently wrote on my way to Cancun. Lauren had been in Germany for a few days and I had been in Miami for work and due to her travel and my travel and her lack of phone and Internet we weren't talking to much. When I got on the plane to Cancun (also for work), I was looking out the window and thinking about how excited I was to go to Cancun and then out of the blue "it hit me" that I was experiencing all of this without my best friend. It happens all the time since she has been away. I will be having a fantastic time and then something will remind me of her and it takes awhile for me to get back to where I was emotionally minutes before.

Recently it has been particularly tough. I rarely talk to Lauren and when I do it is usually only for a few minutes or just text messages. However, I have to say that I still love that girl so much and every passing second reminds me that she is the biggest part of my life and that without her life is pretty damn tough.

When I went out on my first tour and Lauren was still in New York we had our fair share of big fights. It seems we have figured it out this time around. Does it get easier? Hell no! Our levels of understanding and trust have grown and we know that we are gonna get through this together.

Lolly, if you are reading this...I love you!

Thanks for reading!

-Ryan

Brace Yourselves, This is a Doozy

Christmas 2011 was one for the books, that's for sure.

This year Ryan and I decided to spend Christmas in New York. Tickets were really expensive, and since I didn't really have that much time off from rehearsal we decided it was the best decision. The holidays are a really special time of year for us and we were really excited to spend our first Christmas together, AND in New York! Christmas Eve was spent with our dearest of dear friends Jeffrey, Jeffikins, and Sharon. We made a delicious Christmas Eve dinner (if I do say so myself). I haven't been cooking in Toronto; mainly because cooking for one isn't as fun. Some of my favorite times are spent in that little kitchen with that sweet man.
After dinner, Ryan had me open two envelopes. I was really putting up a fight about it since it wasn't Christmas yet, but I sucked it up and opened the darn things. One envelope told me to type in an address in google maps. When I typed it in the Waldorf Astoria popped up...I was confused. There was no way were were staying at the Waldorf. The second envelope had two tickets to the St. Patricks midnight mass. I convinced myself that the address was supposed to be for St. Patricks. Then Ryan announced that I needed to pack cause we were spending the night at the Waldorf!

I was completely shocked. I thought "what a thoughtful Christmas present. He's really going to keep his promise and make this the best Christmas ever." Little did I know...

We got checked in, had a drink at the bar downstairs and toasted to his great grandmother who's birthday it was, and sadly, had passed away last year. After which we walked around 5th ave and took in the sights of New York. It honestly felt like we were on a first date. The mass was beautiful, slightly difficult to stay awake, but it just completed the night.

On Christmas morning we got up rather early and ordered coffee through room service. We started to open presents, but he wanted me to wait till after the coffee came...he's lucky I don't ask a lot of questions...after he opened his gifts he said that he had one more for me. I opened it and inside was a Christmas ornament that we've had since I was little. It's a really ornate silver box and one of my favorites. I looked inside and Ryan got really quiet.

The rest is a blur, but I do remember Ryan shaking, and with tears in his eyes (I've seen him cry once) asked me to marry him...I said yes first...and then screamed...really, really loudly...in his face.

The ring was his great grandma's wedding band (the one we toasted, that sneaky devil) and he added a stone. I couldn't fit it on since my fingers swell a lot in the morning, so the next day we had it resized. When we went to pick it up one of the original stones had fallen out. I freaked. After biting our nails for half an hour, the guy found it and put it back. Phew!! Crisis averted, back to being happy and engaged!!!!

As many of you may or may not know, I was never really one to dream of weddings or proposals. I didn't even want to get married until I met Ryan. Over the past year or so weddings have been on my mind quite a bit. I've dreamt about the proposal, how the ring would look and how I would react. Not even my wildest dreams would have been able to express how perfect everything was. Well, I probably could have thought of a more graceful reaction on my behalf...

The weird thing about getting engaged is that nothing changes, but everything changes. I can look at him and instead of thinking "man I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy" I can say "man, I GET to spend the rest of my life with this guy". I can look at wedding websites and not feel guilty...in fact I HAVE to, and that's really scary. We have a lot of work cut out for us, but I think I speak for us both when I say we're really excited. Reallllly excited.

Ryan just left this afternoon to head back to NY. He came back to Toronto with me and we brought in the New Year. It's always hard when he leaves, but even as I type a little shiny reminder of him and how much time we're going to have together catches my eye and gives me something to look forward to.

Leaving All Over Again

It's been exactly one week since I left the beautifully expensive land of poutine, the CN tower, Mounties and my darling lady. The visit was much needed and all that we could have hoped for. We had been apart for just under a month but it seemed like much longer. We were able to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday with the Disney folk in the beautiful apartment building they've provided Lauren in a city that isn't thankful for the pilgrims. We didn't plan to do any sight-seeing which turned out to be the one fault of the trip but Lauren and I made our one adventures as we always do.

We got to have our false life for four days in Lauren's gorgeous apartment in a new big city and everything returned to normal really quick, a true testament to our companionship in my opinion. As usual though, the four days flew by really fast and before I knew it I was on a Megabus back to Buffalo. Leaving again was just as hard as the first time even with the promise of a Christmas visit in less than a month. Lauren and I both agreed that thinking of the many months still to go is the hardest part but we have learned that taking it one day at a time is all we can do.

I'm gonna see her again soon, on our favorite holiday, but alas those days will fly by as well and she will have to leave me after just four days. One day at a time y'all. One day at a time.

It's midnight and I can say Ryan's gonna visit me tomorrow!!!

St. Michael's Catholic church Toronto, ON

I attended mass on sunday, and the sermon was about giving to charity as if you were giving to God...or something of the like. Bottom line: God is everyone and you should treat everyone with love. Boom.

Now I'm not sure if this was a sociology experiment or what, but before mass there was a homeless man collecting outside the church. I don't usually carry cash and I was running late for mass...Yes the thought to donate the change I had passed through my mind, and yes I felt guilty that I didn't. Of course I donated after mass (I'm pretty sure everyone did...) I still only had change (which I find to be insulting) but hey, the priest said that it isn't about the amount and what the priest says goes.

In keeping up with my newly found independence resolutions, and still listening to my favorite Canadian priest: I donated breakfast to a homeless man today. Please know I am not writing this to boast because then that would negate the purpose. It just made me think of Ryan. I never would have thought to do that, but it reminded me that sometimes Ryan will buy coffee or whatnot for someone down on their luck.

It just made me realize he is so far away yet he is with me all the time. Sorta like God...

And homeless people?

Home Is Where the Heart Is

So, I was on my way home from my "business" trip to Vegas and Oklahoma and for some reason I was feeling a great deal of anxiety. Why was I anxious? I was heading back to my own home literally going straight to my work and had events planned for the week ahead. Everything seemed fine and set up for a great coming home.

Then it hit me. I wasn't going home to Lauren and Lauren is synonymous with home.

So, Vegas was fantastic and Lauren and I are still coasting along just fine despite the technical Skype glitches that seem to be getting worse, but things are still hitting me at the end of this first month.

On Monday is was smacked in the face with a baseball bat emblazoned with one phrase...Home is where the heart is!

Alone Time

Today was one of those rare days where I was happy to have some time to myself. Actually, I think it was the first time in a long time where I could enjoy the solitude. I think it's just starting to hit me: I live alone.

I had my own room until my sophomore year of college. You would think that after having your own room for 19 years you'd grow accustomed to having your own space. Well not for me. I have always hated being alone. I don't sleep well when I'm by myself. It usually takes me a few weeks to get used to it, but I think it should get easier after today.

Today I took a little longer shower and had to rush to get ready. I left a mess in the bathroom and started to stress about the clutter. And then I took a breath and realized I can just pick it up later tonight...I wouldn't have a roommate to have to pick up for.

I think I've missed the freedom to be messy without the guilt. I'm not saying that I'm not messy at home, I shed hair like a snake sheds its skin, but I always feel guilty about it. But now, thanks to Ryan, I look forward to cleaning up after myself at the end of the day.

Ryan has helped me be a cleaner person and I'm happier for it, but every once and a while it's nice to live in one's own squalor.

Stuck in Phase One

While Ryan is starting to move into phase two, I am still stuck in phase one.  The days are fine when I take them one at a time, but when I read a blog from a certain someone that makes me realize I haven't been gone very long...It makes life a little harder. 

It's hard to be independent, or enjoy one's "freedom" when one has to still think about how his/her decisions will affect another person.  That's why long distance relationships are of the devil.  Seriously, the devil was bored one day and in his devil voice said to himself "Hmmm what is one more way I can torture mortals?  Ah!  Make them single in every way... except not.  That way they'll still have all the responsibilities of being in a relationship but still be alone! Mwahahaha-I'm so evil".  

Well I'm here to defeat this curse.  I am going to make the most of living on my own for the first time (and probably the last) in my life.  The plan is to regain the confident, independent, woman I was before I moved across the country and clung onto my boyfriend for dear life.  I think it's safe to say everyone is pretty confident and independent in and around college.  The world is your freaking oyster, and then you find out that you hate oysters...they're slimy.  

So here's some steps I'm going to take to regain that sense of self: 

1) Diet

Dukan Diet-If Kate Middleton can do it, so can I.  And she was made a DUCHESS by the end...so...

2) Exercise

3-5 maybe 6x a week-working out is a lot easier when you're fake-single

3) Journaling

Allow myself to fully digest my day.  

4) Keep an open & positive mind

Fewer judgements, more positive thoughts, good deeds...blah, blah, blah...

5) Try something new every week...

A new recipe, explore a different part of town, deface a national monument

No one should be responsible for someone else's happiness.   If I have learned anything from living with RJN, it's how to make the most out of any situation and stay positive.  Yeah having someone you can depend on can make you less independent and sad to be alone, but I think it's cool that I'm going to regain mine by using what I've learned from the person I've depended on.  

P.S. Take your stupid "what happens in Vegas..." line and shove it.